Reviews are in for Home Depot’s giant crab statue

Just in case you don’t already have enough crabs in your garden, Home Depot is now selling a six-foot wide, 15.5-inch tall King Crab statue. You can finally fulfill your most crustacean home decor dreams for just $1539! (Or, if that’s too much, Amazon sells a 3-foot wide version for $427)

In case you’re not convinced, here’s the official product description:

We provide everything but the butter. Our exclusive, larger-than-life Colossal Crustacean Giant King Crab statue is a perfect visual delicacy near a pond, bar or pool. Complete with pinchers, claws and nested legs, this titanic Crab sculpture boasts a 6 ft. W, easily spotted in deep seas or in your party room. Our humongous replica King Crab statue is cast in quality designer resin, reinforced for supreme strength with fiberglass and hand-painted with powerfully convincing color and texture to be as faithful as possible to the form of its ancient species. Our Design Toscano-exclusive display-quality Colossal Crustacean King Crab sculpture transforms any home, garden, restaurant or hotel into something truly magnificent. Another breathtaking deep sea statue from Toscano.

Perhaps you’re unsure about committing to this colossal crustacean. That’s why there’s reader comments — so you can find out how other, real-life people feel about the same product! Let’s take a look, shall we?

***** PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION
If you need a good designated driver, a reliable companion/wingman, or a therapist, this right claw man always has your back, and if you ever find yourself stranded on a island, the Colossal Crustacean Grand Scale Giant King Crab is the perfect way for you to signal SOS due to his unbound charisma that extends to God himself.

** Now I have to hire a lawyer
Ever since I finished building my in-ground pool, neighborhood children have been sneaking over the fence at all hours to swim without permission. I thought a giant crustacean might discourage them, but now Timmy, from five doors down, is missing and the neighbors are giving my funny looks. On the plus side, there are no longer owls on my roof.

** NO BUTTER
WARNING! Does not come with butter. You must purchase you own separate vat of butter!

*** warning
WARNING do not, I repeat, DO NOT place any sensitive body parts between the claws and then apply pressure, no matter how much vaseline is applied before hand. There really should be a warning label about this problem.

***** I’ve never felt like this before.
Since my husband passed, the side of his bed has been cold, untouchable. I can’t bear sleeping without my love Ronald. I had taken a trip to my local Home Depot to locate a new pair of coveralls for my sewer swimming ventures, when I saw him. We locked eyes, and I’ve been a changed woman since. It was love at first sight. I knew I NEEDED to have him. I took out a 16th mortgage on my home, but I knew he needed to be mine. He has not left my side yet. He fills that empty space perfectly.

* PLEASE DO NOT BUY
DO NOT BUY THIS. DO NOT TRY TO OPEN THE SHELL. FOR THE LOVE OF GO

***** A serious revieww
I’m going to get right to the point; this is a good product. I needed a large, fiberglass crab (I can’t discuss why for legal reasons) and this was exactly what I needed. The details on the crab are spot on (I studied Marine Biology I at summer camp) and I think it goes without saying, it looks like the real deal. It also travels well. I had to take it to an appointment (I can’t discuss why for legal reasons) and it made all the difference. I could say so much more about this item, but I have to end it here (I can’t discuss why for legal reasons) by saying “buy this crab.”

Any questions?

Design Toscano 15.5 in. H Colossal Crustacean Grand Scale Giant King Crab Statue [Home Depot]

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